How Can It Be...

...that she will never know him? I just have felt so overwhelmed with that thought. We drove out to the cemetery today because I just felt like I needed to take Sophie out there. I know that "he" isn't there, but the part of him that would hold her and tickle her and love on her is there.

I sit and wonder if he can see her. If he can see how much we miss him. Obviously I can't think outside of my human capacity. Maybe he can, maybe he can't. Maybe it wouldn't really matter if I could know all things. I just feel so tired of being sad and confused. I feel so tired of missing him. I really, honestly thought that by now it wouldn't hurt so much and that I wouldn't still cry so much! Sometimes it's just so frustrating. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's been 2 years since I have talked to my Dad. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times I struggle to remember what he sounds like.

I do have to say that once again, the anticipation of the "day" was much worse than the actual "day". This past week has been really hard. Then, today comes and it wasn't anything like I thought it would be! I know that it was because the Lord heard the prayers of some wonderful people. I was so blessed by the many people telling me that they remembered and were praying. I have some pretty great friends and family. Thank you. I love you.

Today as we were driving through the country I was thinking back to the days right after Dad died. I remembered going through this little bag of "things" he had saved. They were things I had given him and he kept them in his sock drawer. As I was going through the bag, I pulled out a little booklet and noticed that there was something inside it. It was a toothpick. My Dad loved toothpicks. Of course, I started to cry because I had forgotten about how he liked toothpicks. Josh reminded me that things don't just happen. I'm so thankful to the Lord for that little toothpick. Isn't that funny how something small and silly like that could be so special. Even though I struggle to understand why all this has happened and question the Lord at times, He is still so good to give me these little, special things like toothpicks.